Legends of Slack

We here at laydownthe|SLACK| have, honest to *whomever you pray to*, managed to go to work late, procrastinate until noon, take more than a 3.5 hour lunch, say hi to the boss whilst running in acting busy on the laptop, and leave early all in one day, for many, many days.

Now, sometimes, this is not possible. Sometimes work must be done. We hate those times, but in the interest of keeping our jobs in order to continue getting paid for nothing, we will put forth the effort and throw down.

BUT, we know that everyone here has plenty of experience DOING work, so we want to remain focused on ways with which to avoid these tasks. And we promise to always specialize in ways to entertain, distract, or teach you to detract from your work environment.

And yes, the only reason I am writing this is that my boss is here and truly believes that this is his report that he needs in an hour. I simply asked a co-worker to proofread my horrible(fake) report, and in utter terror at our boss reading this, he is conveniently re-writing the entire report as we speak.

This seems like it may have a downfall, by highlighting what appears to be a flaw in my abilities,(it is not, I can easily write reports) my coworker now has ammo against me, negating one of the key flaws in slacker lifestyle.

But I set him up with his girlfriend.

She OWNS him.

So I am safe.

Get The Red Out

This guy would be gopher for the boss in no-time with a flayboyant colored outfit and those "stylish" sunglasses, no?




Here is a quick gander at what not to do if you want to remain
unmolested at work/home/anywhere you go.

• While that bright pink tie may "look great" according to your mother, we definitely do NOT recommend wearing bright colors at work. Think of nature and how many creatures remain uneaten because they are camouflaged and blend in to anonymity. Never, on the flip side, actually wear camo to work.(big no)
  
• At work, to blend in, ALWAYS be in motion at your desk WHEN you hear footfalls coming your way. If you look like you are the middle of something important, you certainly cannot be bothered with whatever mundane task someone may be coming to drop off for you.
• Around the house, to blend in, NEVER be in motion if you hear mom/the girlfriend/boyfriend/dog coming your way. Family members are like birds, they do not detect your presence nearly as much unless movement is present.
  
• If you detect someone you absolutely cannot stand heading your way, make sure you can train your arm to have your cellphone out of your pocket and to your head in milli - no, micro - yes, microseconds. Make sure to rehearse a very compelling and loud businesslike conversation to the point that everyone thinks you are the toughest analyst in the world. And, if said person/persons are not your coworkers, always pretend to be someone much more important than you are. We are quite often the "CEO of Intechdesign, inc."(multimillionaires extraordinaire)

Whatever you do, never accidentally piss off THAT GUY. He is the one guy who, once you are on his bad side, will always, always make sure you are working. This is the person you want to be best friends with, the office asshole. If you can appease him with a bad joke at the water cooler once a day, it is supremely worth looking up a few pathetic one-liners to have on hand to do so.

Lewd Awakening

Here at laydowntheSLACK, we LOVE sleep. But why constrain something we all love so much purely to the dark night-time hours? We strongly recommend staying up all night on YOUR time, and make mad cash whilst you nap at the office/outside the office/in a gutter.

Feel free to find all the glorious ways to abscond from actual waking work by any means necessary. If this means that your particular naps must be had in the walk in freezer at work, hidden behind crates of meat and milk cartons, then make sure to buy a good coat.

Here are some tips and scenarios that we recommend:

• Avoid the many hour power-nap, nap for most of the day, by all means, but break it into segments. If your co-workers see you about once an hour with a cup of (stale, fake) coffee, then you can bet they'll assume the stains on your keyboard are from finger-mashing, honest (despicable) real, hard work, and not from the drooling that we all know you do. This brings us to our next point:
  
• Coffee. Always, always have a 1/2 full coffee mug around. And not one of those disposable cups from the break room either, but the most ostentatious mug or thermos you can find. This makes you look like a seasoned veteran of the caffeine world, giving off that "I am always awake, and no, these jitters are not from Parkinson's" vibe that you want to deflect any unnecessary attention.
  
• If you ever find yourself in a situation without your trusty mug/thermos, make sure to have a backup - legal pads and an array of pens. If you stroll by your boss on accident at the office and he sees you wandering aimlessly, well, you are beyond reproach at that point. Worry not friend, for simply wander lackadaisically with a legal pad and a pen, and suddenly you are the hard worker on an errand. Do not forget to scribble (as messily as possible) some bogus notes on a pad beforehand, you can keep it for many, many uses if the notes are vague enough.

These are a few introductory tips to avoiding attention on your way to your favorite spot of tranquility to catch a few winks. I prefer my car myself, but please, always remember to move it one parking lot over to avoid the boss catching you in it on his way back from lunch.